25th April 2017

Well crapped my pants at work today. At least it was somewhat chunky and not completely runny. I was wearing a sanitary napkin so it caught it. I was able to make it to the washroom for the rest. I had to tell my work people about it and go home. I could have stayed if I had an extra pad, but I didn't and I didn't want to buy a Costco sized pack just then when everyone knew. I also was feeling horribly defeated. I tried to run to the closest washroom which was at the back of the store from where I was in receiving and when I got there the door was locked and someone was in there. After that I knew I wouldn't make it. I tried to run to the front of the store to the other washrooms and I got only about 1/4 of the way and poop squeezed out. My stomach was in a great deal of pain the entire morning and after I tried to make myself poop more out (more did come out) my stomach still hurt. I went to the washroom a couple of more times and I had to use toilet paper to create a barrier between me and my underwear in case of further issues. The toilet paper kept riding up and moving around and I was afraid it would come out of my pants in public. Also, if I had another accident it would go straight onto my underwear and then onto my jeans and everyone would smell and see it.

All I can do it make it home to sleep. I am completely exhausted ALL THE TIME. I get excited when I know I can to go sleep and lie in bed. When it's bed time I am so happy.

12 April 2017

Started bawling today. Couldn't find my keys and I am missing appointments. Slept all night and until one in the afternoon. Got out of bed at 2:00 p.m. Had a fever of 101.4 F most of the night. Now it's down to 100. On the toilet all night but after 8:00 a.m. I was better and slept solid until 1:00 p.m. Still have the fever though. Eating chicken noodle soup and a bagel at 4:58 p.m. It'll probably keep me ill until tomorrow when I have to work. I must eat though. I am so sick. I keep crying. It's so difficult having a life and working and dealing with family and trying to manage this disease. I'm so completely exhausted. My butt can't take pooping anymore.

1 April 2017

It has been really bad lately in terms of exhaustion. I came home from work yesterday and fell asleep at 3:30 p.m. then slept until almost 7:00 p.m. Then I went back to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and woke up at 7:00 a.m. At around noon today I was so exhausted I wanted to sleep on the floor of the hairdresser's place while waiting to get my hair cut. I was fantasizing about it and feeling like I wanted to cry because I wanted to just sleep so badly. I am finally alone at home and I can sleep, but my daughter will be home soon from playing at the park and I want to spend some more time with her.

I have had terrible diarrhea lately. The blood content in it varies. Sometimes there's none and sometimes there's a lot. When there's a lot of blood by abdomen hurts very badly and when I poop it feels like I might poop my insides out. That happens as well. Unrelated, my shoulder hurts terribly much from work (lifting all the time and too much repetitively for eight hours straight with breaks of 1/2 hour for lunch and two fifteen minute breaks). A lot of people don't actually work like that that work at Costco, it just so happens that that is the type of job I have there. I am asking to move, but I don't know if where I move to will be any better. I don't know what else I can do for work.